Hello there, People of the Internet! I hope you have all been well during the past several weeks while I’ve been toiling away at life. Update: I never heard back from Batman (thank God), I displayed my wares at a local art show and sold next to nothing (just like everyone else), I was mini-stalked by a customer, and I filled out an E-Harmony profile. Oh, and I took this past week off from life, ditched work and school (in an entirely responsible manner), and went to Disneyland. Yay!
The first two events… okay, event and non-event, are self-explanatory. I’ll begin with the mini-stalking. A while back I was asked out by a customer at the overpriced clothing store I work for (which is not Abercrombie. No love for haters). He was quite cute and he had a Spanish accent, which I find adorable, so I gave him my number. We texted, he was oddly eager to get together, we made date plans for Saturday, and he stood me up. Being the silly, impatient girl I am, the next afternoon I texted, “What the hell?” He feigned ignorance, said something came up, he didn’t have his phone, etc. He continued to occasionally text me for the next few weeks. I told him to get lost.
Fast-forward to last week. I was folding my 200th t-shirt when I noticed a guy watching me but trying not to get my attention. I thought he may have a question, so I went to him. He did indeed need jeans in a different size. Then he said, in the saddest tone imaginable, “Why didn’t you answer my text messages?” I’m certain my initial expression was one of confusion, and then it dawned on me. I had forgotten who he was. He realized this fact and made a beeline for the back of the store. There is no escaping me, though. I’m lead cashier. His shame was palpable. He was so pathetic, in fact, that I told him he could have another shot if he apologized really hard. He looked at the floor like a scorned child and said, “But I already did…” We have exchanged a few texts since then, but nothing Earth-shattering. Eh. Not worth it.
This brings me to my main topic: E-Harmony. Up until now I have never paid for a dating site. I’ve done Plenty of Fish, How About We, OKCupid… everything free. And I’ve gotten bupkis. It has been months since I’ve seen my friends (we have plans to hike this Saturday but there’s an 85% chance they’ll cancel) and I’m no closer to having a social life. I am starting to feel desperate. Okay, okay, desperation has been malingering for years, but I’m reaching a new level here. I NEED to go out with someone. Anyone! I need adult time in a loud place with music and alcohol and I need it NOW! I’ve considered going out alone but that generally doesn’t work out so well. I am only pretty when I smile and I don’t tend to do much smiling when I’m sitting in a bar drinking alone. It also sounds like a great way to get roofied.
Fact: I am messaged on OKCupid on a fairly regular basis, but it’s generally by half-literate boys (not men) I wouldn’t normally give the time of day to. I typically respond anyway in the hopes that I’m being too hard on them, only to discover that “half-literate” was too generous. I’m occasionally excited to find a man as loquacious as I am, right up until I discover “maryjane” is listed as one of the six things he could never live without. Then I find a promising young buck who likes hiking and reading… who happens to be a devout Mormon. Next, a cute guy in the film industry… who doesn’t believe in evolution. Then, a virgin. No shit. A 26 year old virgin. In the words of Sweet Brown, ain’t nobody got time for that! What the fuck is going on here?? Aren’t there any normal 32 year old men who like bowling, books, and Star Wars? I really didn’t think I was putting too fine a point on Cupid’s arrow here.
Listen, I know I’m picky. I don’t like them too fat or too skinny, too dumb, too high, too old or too young. What I’d really like is 33 year old Harrison Ford. A rugged, outdoorsy intellectual. I have always had a thing for men who are about 32 years old. I don’t know what it is about them, but it seems to be that sweet spot where they have aged just enough to be worldly and sexy. Regardless of his age, I want a man who I find interesting and stimulating as well as physically attractive. I want a man who makes me laugh and teaches me things I never knew. Above all, I want a man I can admire. I want a man like my friend Cookie. He lives on the opposite side of the world and yet I feel we’ve had more meaningful interaction than I’ve had with any other person in the past year. I’d be downright delirious if I could find that kind of connection with someone on my own continent.
Am I thinking too locally? Should I expand my search outside a 60 mile radius? Should I consider online dating in its most literal sense? Do I commit actual money to the quest?
To pay or not to pay; that is the question.
The Silly Girl
Image retrieved from http://photoforu.blogspot.com/2012/07/when-u-left-me.html