I’m back! Don’t get giddy just yet, but I may have something interesting to say. Maybe. It has been six months since that has happened and I may have forgotten what interesting things look like. This could be related to the fact that it has been nine months (NINE MONTHS?!) since I’ve had sex. I could have grown a whole person by now! Instead I have acquired two cats, which is merely a coincidence, I assure you. I would like to have reported this interesting situation at a more Godly hour, but I accidentally fell asleep at 9 pm while putting my three year old to bed. Alas, one of the many pitfalls of parenting. And so I present to you: The Situation (with a conspicuous absence of abs, though I’m sure I have some under all this ice cream).
Remember those times in your life when you were simply mad about someone, probably from the first moment you met, but that person never returned your feelings? Rhett M., fourth grade. John R., eleventh grade. Justin W., college. I’m certain you’ve just made a similar list in your head. I hate unrequited love. It’s the most horrible fate a heart can endure. I’d rather go through 10,000 breakups than spend my life hopelessly in love with a man who would never love me back. (Oh Johnny Depp, when will you return my calls??) Right now I am on the other side of that equation. I’m sure this has happened at some other point in time (Prom Date, high school) but this is the first time I have encountered this situation as an adult.
When I began work at an overpriced clothing store last November I met a man who told me his name a few too many times and said good-bye standing awkwardly outside my car. I knew right then that he found me attractive, that he was younger than I am, and that he had no idea how to ask me out. Since that time I’ve learned that he is in fact three years younger, but he’s about as emotionally evolved as that guy I went to prom with (what the hell was his name??). In fact, let’s call this guy Spanky. If he were a dog he would most certainly be a terrier. Anybody remember Wishbone, the book-loving Jack Russell circa 1998? Anyway. He’d jump up and down at you, eat your shoes and pee in the house, but you wouldn’t be able to get rid of the damn thing because it was cute and you knew that it meant well. Unlike Wishbone, who was a genius. I don’t dislike Spanky as such, but he does not appeal to my sapiosexual instincts and nothing about him says Future Father of My Child. Normally I’d give him a polite no thank-you, but… I don’t know. Don’t you ever just want to punch Karma in the face? What would happen if unrequited love got what it wanted just this once? Would that really be so terrible?
Fact is, I haven’t exactly got much going on right now. I’ve had many offers for dates on OKCupid, but nothing to write home about. Except that one guy. He was perfect. Smart, cute, college professor, sarcastic and clever, and we never met. We had a bit of wonderful banter about apes and poetry and the next thing I knew his profile had been deactivated. It was a sad day for this silly girl. He was PERFECT. Then there was the fellow I met at my Masters conference in Chicago. He was also all of those things, except he worked in a home for behaviorally challenged teens. He made me laugh every single day, abhorred the idea of men treating women as objects, and sang karaoke just to make me happy. But he’s married with an infant son. Again, sad.
So what if this time around I decide to make someone happy? Would that be such a terrible thing? I think Spanky is something of an idiot, but maybe I’m wrong. And just because someone is an idiot, that doesn’t mean he can’t be fun to hang out with or good in bed. The only tricky bit is the coworker aspect. If things go south (not in a good way, wink wink) then I will still have to see him at work. I can keep my shit together, but can he?
I told my boss about it (who is a whole other story) and he laughed and said next Spanky was going to bring me an apple. He’d hold it out, sheepishly grinning at the floor, and then run away. I see his point. Spanky is not the most mature of souls and this has all been very seventh grade in nature. I half expect to find a note in my locker that says, “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” Meanwhile I’m over here calculating how proficient he would be in the sack.
Let’s get real people. Romance is the last thing on my mind. I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to check “one night stand” off my bucket list for the past month, but this is not a hit it and quit it situation. I’d rather not have someone muttering “bitch” every time I passed through the men’s department, but I may not be giving him enough credit. Oh, hell. Let’s throw caution to the wind, shall we? Let’s give unrequited love the shot it has always wanted! Let’s spread a little happy at the risk of future disappointment! I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?
Brrr. Anyone else feel that chill go down their spine?
The Silly Girl
Image retrieved from http://arolemodel.com/shy-guy-body-language-and-shy-girl-body-language/