A Phoenix Rising

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phoenix bicycle

Where to begin.  Hmm.  Uh… hi!

Okay, I seem to be having some trouble collecting my thoughts here.  I didn’t have a definitive purpose in mind when I arrived.  Never a good idea when your aim is to be entertaining.  Well, when that’s part of your aim anyway.

Right.  So here’s the deal.  I’m a mess.  Like a great big “well-that’s-gonna-stain” “how-did-you-even-get-that-in-your-hair?!” kinda mess.  And I can’t afford therapy.  That’s what I have you guys for!  Oh, People of the Internet, what would I do without you?

I think it’s safe to say I have been through a lot in the past 6 months.  Well, the past 6 years, but lets not get ahead of ourselves here.  Six months ago I moved away from California to the glorious state of Pennsylvania, where the weather sucks, everyone smokes (not that I have anything against smokers – I support your right to live as you choose – but it is stinky), and everyone’s answer to the question, “So what is there to do around here?” is, “You could go to the mall.”  To be fair, I have found plenty to keep me busy.  I am now a member of nearly every museum within a 50 mile radius, and I watch the weather like a hawk so I can take advantage of every moment over 50 degrees.  But guys… California!  *sob*

I know what you’re thinking.  “If you loved it so much, why did you leave?”  Well, I didn’t have much choice.  I take that back.  I did have a choice.  But it involved sending my daughter to live with relatives for six months while I finished my internship, sooo, yeah.  Not much choice.  Honestly I think it’s a blessing that I was forced to go.  It got me out of a dead-end relationship that had been destined to fail from the start.  There’s really no hope when your significant other is determined to be miserable despite all the wonderful things in his life, you included.  Toward the end I asked him, “Why would you choose to live your life eating shit when you could just as easily be eating ice cream?”  He scoffed and said, “You’re no ice cream.”  Oof.  Sucker punch.  Like I said, it’s a good thing I left.  I seem to be a glutton for punishment.

All that aside, here I am in occasionally-sunny PA.  I managed to find an internship almost right away, have it canceled at the last possible minute, have a total mental/emotional breakdown, find a new internship site, and graduate with a 4.0.  BOOYAH.  If I’d been half as dedicated to my BS as I was to my Master’s I might have had a 4.0 there too.  But mostly I regret all the time I could have spent drinking that I (sadly) spent alone on a computer.  Ha!  Now there’s some advice to give your kids.  “Don’t wait to drink until you’re 23.  It’ll really fuck up your social life.”  (Just kidding, kids.  Stay in school!)

Right, so after I graduated with honors (that’s right, HONORS) and spent the next two months battling an endless onslaught of licensing paperwork and stress, my uncle died.  I don’t know what I felt worse about – the fact that I would never get to see him again, or the fact that I wasn’t there for his kids during the whole ordeal.  We found out he was sick right before the big move, but he assured us it was nothing.  A month, two months tops, and he’d be right as rain.  It wasn’t until a month later, when I was dealing with my own bullshit and complaining to my cousin about it, that she flipped out on me and said she didn’t have time for my nonsense (and to be fair, it was nonsense) while her father was dying of cancer.  Dying?!  Whoa whoa whoa.  Who said anything about DYING?!  That’s when we found out he had been grossly understating the facts of the situation all along.  It was bad.  But even then, I failed to act appropriately.  I sent text messages, checked in, and got weekly progress reports from my aunt, but I couldn’t bring myself to call.  It was as though by pretending everything was fine, everything would just become fine.  I kept making excuses to myself.  I have too much going on today.  No one returned my last 5 text messages, so they must be busy or tired of talking about it.  I’ll call next week once I have some free time.  (Insert breakdown here.)  Then it was a schedule packed with renovating the new house, school, huge papers to write every week, and a daughter to raise… sigh.  That’s all fine and dandy, but the fact is, I wasn’t there and I should have been.  It’s a good thing I don’t believe in Hell, ’cause I’d be going there.  I’m fairly sure my cousins have forgiven me, but I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.

Damn, that got really depressing really fast.  Want some more?  Six weeks later my great aunt died too.  That one REALLY caught me off guard.  I didn’t even know she was sick!  I found out not too long ago that she had to undergo a hysterectomy, but again, we were told everything was fixed and she was doing great.  (Are you sensing a theme here?)  Listen people.  If you are deathly ill, TELL YOUR FAMILY.  I had planned to go down to visit over spring break, but I didn’t have the money.  Did I mention that I haven’t found a job yet?  I had to put it off for quite some time because my mother was out of town with my sick uncle, which meant no babysitter.  I’ve got about $150 to my name right now.  That would have felt like riches when I was 18, but I’m 13 years senior of that mark and I have bills to pay!  I did get a letter to my aunt before she passed.  I mentioned that I am reminded of childhood trips to her home every time I smell the rain.  At least she knew I thought of her often.

So is this what this blog is going to be about?  Bitching about all my problems?  NO.  Okay yes.  I’ve got issues, yo.  But let’s speak of something positive.  I did in fact get hired for a job.  Two, as a matter of fact!  It’s just… neither of them have started yet.  Both places hired me right on the spot.  Bam!  And the funny part is that I didn’t apply for either of them.  They were both by referral through other jobs I had applied for.  One is with a temp agency that will likely be placing me as a receptionist at a mortgage firm, and the other is a medical staffing agency that will be sending me to counsel children in group homes.

That’s right folks, I’M A COUNSELOR.  Nobody ever said counselors had to have their shit together.  On the contrary, most counselors get counseling.  It is encouraged.  You can’t go around helping other people if you haven’t even got your own life figured out.  Well, not figured out persay.  Per say?  Is that two words?  Anyway, people are people.  We’ve all got our demons.  We just have to find ways to care for them so they don’t go around fighting with everybody else’s.  My demons spend most of their time lying around whining that nobody will play with them.  WAH.

So I guess that’s about it for now.  In case you’re new around here or you have forgotten, this blog has been around a few years.  I deleted the whole thing right before I left California.  (Ooo!  Still a few pangs of regret.)  It was partly due to the fact that my boyfriend (yeah, that sweetheart) couldn’t handle the existence of written evidence that I had once loved people other than him.  That dude had an inferiority complex unlike any I’ve ever seen.  After two hours of steamy bedroom antics that left me panting in a fuzzy haze, he’d say, “Was it the best you ever had?  You didn’t even like it, did you.”  ?!???!?!?!  I mean, I hadn’t even regained consciousness yet.  What did he expect?  A damn ticker-tape parade?!

Sorry, TMI?  Yeah, get used to that.  Anyway I also deleted the whole thing to get a fresh start.  It’s actually a great technique when you have too much on your mind.  Write the whole thing out, empty your brain, cleanse your heart, and then discard it.  Hit delete.  Set it on fire.  Rip it into a thousand pieces.  It’s remarkable how much better you’ll feel.

That being said, I will make no more mention of my ex (probably) and focus on my current antics.  Life ain’t easy for a mom in the world of online dating.  Just wait til you hear about the doozies I’ve encountered already.  Up for a little cross-dressing, anyone?  Meeeow!

Happily Yours Once Again,

The Silly Girl

Image retrieved from https://www.pinterest.com/YavannahSmith/phoenix/

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