It all began with an app.
As you may know, I have been on plenty of fish for a bazillion years, occasionally updating my pictures and info but rarely speaking to anyone. It was just kind of there. I recently visited the mobile site and it asked if I would like to download the app. Ehh, why not?
Turns out there’s a “meet me” feature. You are given pictures of people, a link to their profile, the question, “Would you like to meet this person?”, and the choices yes, no, or maybe. From there you can message them if you are so inclined. I received one message and a few notifications the first day. Not bad! I was mildly excited by the caliber of men I was seeing. Then came this.
That’s right. Five hundred fifty-five notifications. By the third day I had so many messages, I couldn’t keep up. I was turning men down left and right. Do you have any idea how bitchy it feels to tell people you have too many messages, but you might get back to them later? (Some guys don’t take it so well.) I had to hide my profile. It. Was. Bonkers.
What the heck happened? Did the human race suddenly decide I am attractive or interesting or some combination of the two? Was there a full moon? Am I the subject of a government experiment? I don’t know, but it was the beginning of a very busy schedule.
In the end there were eight winners: Country Singer, Greek Web Developer, Enigmatic Animal Lover, Superdad, the Taciturn Indian, Nice Guy, Native American Nerd, and the Picky Eater. That’s more people than I have dated in the past five years! Is this what the Bachelorette feels like? I was seriously considering inviting them all to one bar and showing up with a single rose. If I filmed it I might have been the next YouTube sensation!
Clearly it was not going to be possible to date eight men, so I tried to narrow things down over the next few weeks. Country Singer was the first to go. He’s a 26 year old aspiring country music star who spends a lot of time doing karaoke at 2am on weekdays. He’s hot as hell (oh those tattoos!), but I can’t let my libido lead me around by the pelvis. He’s still living the footloose single life and waiting tables while chasing his dream. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Next to go was the Greek Web Developer, who just sort of dropped out of communication for no apparent reason. He was nice to chat with so I’m not really sure what happened there. Still, one less complication. NEXT!
The Enigmatic Animal Lover received my phone number but neglected to use it. I needed to hurry things along, so I sent him a blunt message. “I’ve been on a few decent first dates this week, but I’m hesitant to shut down this account and run with it because I was really hoping to meet you. We have only spoken briefly, but I find you to be charming and intelligent (not to mention gorgeous) and I think we would have a lot in common. What do you say? Can I get your number? I will bring you flowers and chocolate.” He said he didn’t like flowers or sweets (is he an ALIEN?!) and he is “someone who takes a lot of patience.” After that we discussed the movie club he’s in (it’s book club, but with movies!) and he invited me to join him at the next movie. He also said, “I don’t really do ‘first dates’ on here. I prefer making a friend first. It’s just my style. I am a man of mystery… but I do not wear my sunglasses at night.” Do I have time to gradually court a man of mystery? Not unless these other dudes don’t pan out. Although, seriously. So gorgeous. NEXT!
Things were going really well with Superdad (who sent me this ridiculous photo), but he had some personal stuff crop up that has taken precedence. His dad is very sick. This is unfortunate not only for obvious reasons (Poor him! Poor dad!) but also because this guy is just my type. Very clever. Downright hilarious. I asked if he wanted to see my pussy and sent him a photo of my cat Elvis wearing a tiara. At the exact same time he asked if I wanted to see his “big P” and sent me a photo of him in a Pirates shirt with a giant P emblazoned across the chest. Great minds, eh? I know that any time with him would be a good time. We are still in communication, so we may eventually meet. But for now… NEXT!
So let’s see. Who’s left? The Taciturn Indian, Native American Nerd, Nice Guy, and the Picky Eater. The fantastic four. The only ones who got a real date.
Tune in next time to find out who is in, who is out, and who got laid!
Very Happily yours,
The Silly Girl