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Guys, it’s only Wednesday and this has already been a long week.

Last weekend I was finally supposed to meet one of the A-names who I originally matched with last year, but – surprise! – I didn’t. He ghosted. Sunday night he said he was jealous that I’d gone out to Dancer’s house instead.

Seriously?

It was time for Real Talk.

I told him he doesn’t seem that interested, he didn’t follow through on our date, and I probably wouldn’t even be talking to him now if he wasn’t gorgeous. He gave me excuses. He works 12 hour shifts as a medical supply tech at the hospital, and doesn’t have free time. Following that logic he only intends to date, when? After retirement? He said I’d need to be understanding, because either I date a hard worker like him or a lazy moocher elsewhere. I pointed out that I am a hard working single mother and I still find time to go out. It’s called a work/life balance. He apologized and said he really does want to keep chatting, even if we are just friends, because most of his friends are back in Texas and he enjoys our conversations. Given how little we speak, he must really be lonely.

For the record, I will not be understanding. If he wants to exchange pleasantries once a day, cool. But pleasantries do not a relationship make. I’m like Tinkerbell. I will die without attention, and he who claps the loudest wins. Moving along…

So. My day with the Dancer. This came about because my friend Jen invited me to see the musical Six in Pittsburgh. It was fabulous and we had a lovely time. Jen is the best.

I mentioned our outing to my various beaus, and Dance said he loves musicals, particularly The Phantom of the Opera. He has seen it live eight times and owns the 25th anniversary special. He asked if I would like to watch it, and I said VERY MUCH YES. Then in true Silly Girl form I went overboard and planned a two-person party. I made French food, including an opera cake (which is delicious, not recommended for the faint of heart), and put it on fancy platters. He made a charcuterie board and I brought dairy-free cheeses and olives. I also wore a feathered mask.

Dance’s house is the polar opposite of mine. It is sleek and shiny and modern and the whole of it contains as much stuff as I have in my living room alone. There’s a fancy shower with jets at chest-level, and an LED fireplace mounted in the middle of the living room wall. He had six different types of wine and a large variety of other alcoholic beverages, a coffee cart, and all the other things grownups have. I chose a dark cherry cider. It was delicious.

We put the spread out in front of the couch and watched the show. The food was great. The play was fantastic. Raoul was a total douche. In the past I rooted for him, but this actor played it… well, more realistically, I suppose. He was a pompous ass. You could do better, Christine. But I digress.

I am the type of person who is moved by music. A dramatic swell or chorus of voices makes my chest tighten, sends waves of feeling through my body, and brings tears to my eyes. It caught me once or twice, but Dancer cried The. Whole. Time. I pretended not to notice, but I can’t help but be amused. What a sweet, silly man!

I didn’t try to move close to him or do anything to indicate this was anything more than two friends getting together. I don’t think he’ll be all about that farm life. The man doesn’t so much as own a hammer.

When it came time to leave I packed up all my things, but he stopped me and said wait, you cannot leave yet. Then he put on Black Velvet, took me by the hand, and we danced. It was… well. I’m still smiling. As a matter of fact I grinned like an idiot the whole time. I was dipped and twirled in the kitchen, and suddenly I felt… what did I feel? I hadn’t had any physical attraction to him until that point, but once he started tickling that Acts of Service button, I could have swooned.

I wanted to kiss him. I pulled close to his body and got into the rhythm. As the song ended I turned and looked into his eyes…

and PANICKED AND RAN AWAY.

Whew! That was nice. Thanks for the dance! Haven’t danced in ages. You want to show me the deck before I go? Sure thing, bud!

Eventually he helped me bring everything out to my car. I gave him a big hug goodbye, turned to peck him on the cheek, but he also turned so I pecked him on the lips instead and then got the hell out of there.

I grinned like an idiot the whole way home, and rocked out to an old Matchbox Twenty CD.

This guy is all wrong for me. Who will help me drywall the bathroom and dig out the new chicken run? His answer is to just hire people. That feels weird.

I didn’t realize how much importance I place on a man’s ability to be handy. Can dancing fill that hole? I don’t know. What I do know is that he’s fun, kind, honest, and I don’t want to screw up our ability to be friends by doing something stupid like having sex with him+.

Now we fast forward 48 hours. The City Inspector who would rather be known as a math whiz is meeting me for drinks. He’s potentially coming to my town, so I establish terms and conditions. No I will not be taking you home, and if we do end up dating I want to be friends first.

I really need to stop sleeping with randos, y’all, so my solution is to take it slow.

He said that was fine, and he didn’t put out on the first date. Then he said his terms and conditions are that if we are dating he’s the only guy I’m talking to because he doesn’t share well. I had mentioned that I had been out to Dancer’s house Sunday and he didn’t like that. He said he’s “old fashioned” and I should only be talking to him. The man I have never met.

I pointed out that I have a lot of male friends, and asked if that was going to be a problem for him. He said, “If you slept with them and are friends still and we start dating dating, I wouldn’t like that.”

I said I’ve never cheated before so I don’t know why I’d start now. He said he’d allow it so long as no lines were crossed.

Jealous and possessive, anyone? I almost cancelled the date right there, but I decided to go out and have a drink anyway, have some fun, and see what my gut said in person.

The date was decent. We talked for three hours. At times I felt like he was kind of performing for me, waxing nostalgic about his great grandparents and sighing over his elderly dog. It felt fake. “Look at me! I’m such a great guy! See how great I’m being right now?”

Unfortunately he’s also really pretty. His eyes are green and he had on a baseball cap, which is oddly sexy to me. At the end of the night I decided to give him a real kiss and see if maybe he could at least be my new boy toy, but it was kinda awkward. Meh.

I had planned to see him again Saturday, but on the drive home my gut was telling me to look past the eyes and sexy tattoos and nerdiness we have in common and take a gander at those red flags he was waving.

I took screen shots of his messages and asked Jen and Dancer if I was being sensitive. I also asked the Construction Worker, sans screen shots. They all agreed he was being way too demanding, and it’s weird to require total commitment on the first date. I understand that he’s wary given the fact that he walked in on his best friend banging his girlfriend, who he had just come home to PROPOSE TO, but I’ve been cheated on too. You can’t live your life in a state of constant suspicion. I can’t help the fact that the guys I “liked” all turned out to be decent human beings this go-round. Not a single one has asked to see me naked!

God that’s a low bar.

Today the Construction Worker asked if I was free to go out tomorrow night. I will have my youngest at home, but her sister agreed to babysit. I would just like to point out that our two contestants at this point are a golfing car salesman/dance instructor who has no children and doesn’t own a hammer, and a construction worker who has four children and likes fishing and riding quads. They could not be more opposite.

The interesting thing is that this PA country boy who is all about sports and outdoors and masculine things also describes himself as a hopeless romantic who likes to visit museums while traveling. He’s very involved with his kids, and he seems to be tenderhearted. He said he’d like to take things slow and get to know each other before we rush into a relationship. Side note, he’s also wearing a backwards baseball cap in every one of his photos. No question he must be bald. I’m pretty sure he’s also has a missing or broken front tooth. I wonder if Girl Eyes ever got his teeth fixed? He’s been hella depressed lately so I won’t ask him.

Oh yeah, did I mention he has been talking to me regularly on snapchat? He moved out of the girlfriend’s place after I chastised him for trying to cheat on her. I don’t know if what I said had any actual impact, but I’m going to take credit anyway. He’s living by himself now but he’s lonely. I’ve been thinking about him, wondering what he had that brought me back each time, that the Buddhist didn’t.

Yesterday The Buddhist broke our twelve day silence to say he would like to get back together. I had to break his heart all over again.

It was painful.

I feel so guilty. First I offer him my heart, and he refuses it, then he offers me his heart, and I do the same. But I realized that the way he made me feel reminded me of the way my ex-husband made me feel. Like I was failing to meet expectations. Like a messy child who needs to learn to be better. Like I’m too much. Too big. Too loud. Too splashy.

Girl Eyes made me feel accepted. He didn’t give two shits about the way my house looked. He probably would have fucked me on a pile of dirty laundry. Now, I’m not saying he’s preferable to The Buddhist. But his complete and total acceptance of me was. He may be a closeted white supremacist, but he made me feel good about myself. Even when he called me out on my bullshit, I didn’t feel judged. I felt seen.

So that’s where I’m at. The Buddhist and I are done. I have two beaus left. I found clarity.

Perhaps someday he will learn to love himself and find total acceptance in his heart, but I cannot stay in an unhappy relationship waiting for that to happen.

What I can do is be a friend to him.

Tomorrow I will find out if the Construction Worker and I are compatible. I don’t know why, but I get the feeling I won’t be physically attracted to him. He looks like such a jock. He actually likes going to the gym! Maybe there will be some intellectual stimulation after all, but I’m not sure. One can only hope!

Until then, I am yours,

The Silly Girl

P.S.

Speaking of feeling seen, did I mention that The Therapist is back in my life? You know, the guy I fell absolutely madly in love with for a month in 2021 who crushed me like a bug and sent me spiraling into depression? After a year and a half I finally decided to forgive him. About two months ago he texted me to ask if I’d like to get my little girl together with his, who is now three. I said that would be great. After a few false starts we ended up meeting them at his new apartment, and the girls became instant besties. Honestly it was so nice to talk to him again. He’s one of the funniest people I know.

For just a moment I felt the same spark I had at the beginning, to be seen and accepted, but there is NO FUCKING WAY I would ever date that guy again. Uh-uh. No. He may be funny and charming and intelligent, but he’s also infuriating. After a couple playdates I told Jen I was getting vibes that he wanted to date again, and if he mentioned it to her she should advise against asking. She told me he said similar things to her and she was sure it’s nothing. But yet again, my gut was correct. He asked. I politely declined.

I would never say this to Jen, but I think she gets jealous about The Therapist. I think he’s kind of like her faux husband. He belongs to her. He can go out and date whoever he wants and it’s whatever, but ultimately he is her best friend and belongs to HER. She said she suggested they get a house together to save money, but I think there’s more to it than she can admit. She loves him. Would she want to have sex with him again? I don’t think so. She’s pretty happy being celibate. But having him as her househusband is a different story.

Okay, I’m actually done this time. Ciao!